Love Is Complicated …

I often wonder with the frightening statistics of divorce just how many other marriages are saved from the brink to not become part of that statistic. To me this says that the vast majority of marriages in this age suffer from problems that could lead to divorce making only a very small portion of people in happy no problem relationships and the rest screaming help me save my marriage!

As frightening as this is I do believe that this simply means that everyone has similar problems and with this wealth of experience and lessons learned we can all learn how to stop divorces from happening and most importantly building a marriage and relationship than can endure these rifts, survive and grow stronger as a result. To do this, the entire way you approach a failing marriage must be consistent and adhere to a core value of love and as sappy as that sounds in a very material world I believe you can overcome any problem as long as the enhancement and growth of love between the two people is the real objective.

Often we get so bogged down in the petty things in life that it overtakes our thinking and can often be a way to avoid the real issues because they are hard to think about and articulate to our partners. Money is one of the biggest issues that most married couples fight about for instance but many successful marriages survive money problems when both people pull together and they overcome it. Why does it drive a wedge between so many couples? In my opinion it is because they fight about the surface problems and never get to the real issues which can often be very primal to do with security, social hierarchy and underneath it all … love. If a woman loves her husband from her heart from his kindness and compassion even if he is not rich the relationship will survive but the only way to get to that ideal loving relationship is communication.

As often as this word is bandied around it is often misunderstood (much like the word love!). Couples often think they communicate but there are a few real killers of communication that can inhibit your marriage:

Ego
Between a husband and wife there should be no bravado and ego, your ego is often a shield between you and the world to protect your vulnerabilities but your partner needs to be the one to see your soul free of ego and posturing. If you cannot put aside your ego you will never let the truth be known and your communications will be based on false assumptions and even lies. It also leads to the worst of all marital problems making people yell ‘help me save my marriage’ when they have the power to do it themselves with a simple change in attitude. Try not to win!

Keeping Score
If you really want the answer to ‘help me save my marriage’ then you need to make sure when an argument happens you can defuse the anger and tension. This means letting go of your ego and exposing yourself and your vulnerabilities, if your partner loves you they will not fire on an unarmed opponent. The best way to do this is to not make yourself opposing, while an argument is a discussion of problems they are often hindered because both sides refuse to “lose” and always defend themselves and fire back insults or accusations leading to a game of tit for tat and both sides start keeping score and looking for revenge or a way to win an argument which is often at that surface level not at the real problem too making it even more petty. The first step should be to abandon taking score and accept a few barbs because in the end they do not matter if you want to inject love back into the relationship rather than keep a grudge.