My friend Paul seemed like a happy guy with a good marriage so when he confided in me that he made love to his wife less than once a month I was quite shocked! In fact the figures show that nearly 25% of married people make love less than once a month and that goes across all ages not just the elderly. This article is not about how this comes about or about my friend but instead is about how to save a sexless marriage if you, like Paul, find yourself trapped inside one!
- 1. Uncover the negative ways that you approach and talk about your marriage and stop them! Such phrases like “I feel like you are my best friend, that makes it awkward to make love” or “I feel like we are just roommates” should be eliminated from your vocabulary and that of your partner. Spouses are not just friends or just roommates but are together as partners for life and are expected to be the only sexual partner too. Even if it does not change things immediately start thinking of your spouse as a lover and announce you are in love not just comfortable with them to break the negative cycle.
- 2. If physical intimacy has been very low you must start turning this around. This does not mean you should try to make out all the time but you can start with little things like running your hand over your spouses shoulder in the kitchen or a small kiss on the cheek after or during the time your spouse helps out around the house with you. Small ways to start touching and feeling each other bodies again go a long way in the long run.
- 3. Do not dwell on the past – The term ‘analysis paralysis’ has been coined for that state where you never act because you are too busy analyzing what went wrong. Instead focus on the positive bits, the part of your marriage you got right and you know it. Sex is something in a marriage that is right also so make sure you spend some time on it, plan it if you have to because sex does not need to be spontaneous to be exciting and good just as planning to go out somewhere does not diminish the excitement either. Find time to set a date and look forward to this time together.
- 4. If you have some issues with your body image or your partner does and the thought of being naked together seems just too hard to bear then do not be afraid to leave some clothing on. Keep a shirt and shorts on and become intimate this way to get comfortable, you do not even need to engage in sex if it still feels to early for either of you but the more you get used to being intimate in your sexless marriage the further you get towards wanting more stimulation and of course intercourse!
- 5. This is most important in a sexless marriage and can sink the entire thing if not done right. Do not blame yourself! Do not blame your partner either! We live busy lives full of stress and expectations and when kids come along the entire ball game seems to change as well making our lives that much more complex and in the end our duties seem more important than our sex lives even if this is not the case. A sexless marriage can never be fixed if you have self blame or resentment for your partner so always approach it with a positive attitude that will prove to be contagious.
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