Got a holiday reserved with your partner, but thinking twice now? Too scared to do the dumping deed before, or rather don’t want to waste the ticket?
Go through the steps below to be sure to return from your holiday single and without having to do any real dumping!
1. Arrange the cheapest, grottiest hotel.
If you can establish high levels of cockroach invasion in advance, all the better. Ensure that the chances of any redeeming features being present are little. For instance, presence of swimming pools and proximity to the beach. Not only will your partner be mad on what you have picked, but he/she will most likely get disappointed of you. How unromantic of you!
2. Become very unadventurous and unexciting, hesitant to do anything enjoyable, interesting or engaging.
Put on your lazy head and practice the art of relaxing like never before. This can be helped by constantly drinking large amounts of liquor. Who would like someone as a partner if he/she cannot even walk straight because of being drunk? Who will get excited on chatting and be romantic if you smell like trash?
3. Get sunburnt and maximize possible unattractiveness.
This again can be emphasized by extreme alcohol consumption and unpleasant behaviour. Your partner might even make an effort to go as far away from you as possible since you will likely pass as a vagrant.
4. Go and eat on an unappetizing restaurant.
Ask locals for insights into the worst restaurants to eat at with the worst service. To finish it off, give the bill for your partner to pay.
5. Employ sweaty and overweight taxi drivers and demand your partner to sit next to them.
This technique can also be used on public transport whilst looking for seats to sit on. Make sure you insist that your partner sits on the window seat (hemmed in nicely by a very large and dripping neighbour).
6. If cousin Barnacus has a one room space you can live in (if possible with him there), demand on taking him up on his kind invitation.
This is nearly guaranteed to result in irreparable ruptures.
7. Do anything that can stop intimate moments.
Ask friends, family, that bloke you met at the bus-stop along to completely spoil the chance of any romantic, intimate moments that might happen.
8. Flirt publicly with anything that moves.
9. Finally, if your partner is still starry eyed and forgiving of all sins, think of just sitting them down and informing them directly that you no longer like to continue in the relationship!
And after being free again, go out and live the life of a joyful single person. Go on and sign up on those London dating websites and be involved in those dinner dates where you can meet lots of people in just one night for the price of a single date.