Archive for category Post Divorce

When Relationship Is Over- Moving On With Dignity

Jun 1

Posted by The Relationship Guru in Post Divorce | No Comments

Breaking off a relationship of a significant amount of time can lead you to experience pain and depression for quite some time. When a relationship is over we often experience guilt and blame ourselves. At a time when emotions are very fragile this is the wrong approach to take. You will drive your self crazy over thinking the situation and begin glorifying your ex as being better than they really are. To sum things up this is what makes break ups have such a dramatic effect on people.

Begging and pleading your ex to come back to you usually has an adverse effect that makes things worse. In order to move on with dignity you must understand that you may not be able to control what you feel, but you need to control how you act.

Putting on a happy face may appear to be like putting a band aid on a severe wound, but it has positive and lasting
psychological effects. Here are three tips everyone should know about how to move on with dignity when a relationship is over.

AVOID External Happiness

Most people go out and party every night and drown their sorrows in clubs and bars following a break up. Some may turn to drugs or prescription medications in a misguided attempt to numb the pain. These practices can get very costly and very dangerous in a hurry.

Getting drunk and having sex with anyone you can may sound like a lot of fun, but we all know where this leads. Passionless relationships from one night stands, babies, sexual diseases, etc… Nothing you need to deal with right now! In
addition this will not help save your relationship in the future if you choose to go that route.

There is nothing wrong with going out with your friends to have a few drinks after a break up, but don’t over do it. People are not aware of how fragile their emotions are when a relationship is over and what kind of psychological effects that can have on you. Do not tempt yourself into any sexual or other relationship type endeavors just yet.

Love Yourself Again

Finding that internal peace and love of your self is crucial after a break up. In relationships we become emotionally attached to our spouse to give us love. In any relationship you need to give your self love as well.

A huge part of this is staying away from your ex for a while. I know this sounds awful, but persistently begging them to take you back rarely works. Even if it did work it would be out of pity. Unless you have children or a business together avoid your ex as much as possible for a while. If this seems too tough to handle check out this technique to get over your ex.

Be proud of who you are and strive to attain your own personal goals outside of any relationship. You can be a team player when you are with someone, but never lose your personal identity. Its this loss that makes us feel disconnected when we are not in a relationship. Like a part of us is missing.

This may sound bizarre, but it truly works! Every morning when you wake up look yourself in the mirror and say “I love You” to yourself. Believe me, I cried psychobabble too, but this really works!

These words trigger endorphins in your brain that make you feel good. Thats why it feels great when others say these words. If you are skeptical that this works there is only one way to prove it.

Re-evaluate Your Relationship Goals

What defines a successful relationship for you? After being with some one for a while we often forget about our personal relationship goals.

When you were first dating it was probably cute and funny that your partner did things a little differently than you would, but after years of being together certain things may bother[spin] you to no end. These are little things like [spin]squeezing the tooth paste the wrong way or leaving dirty dishes in the sink that have literally ended marriages!

These are issues that may or may not need to be worked on, but your relationship goals are your needs or cornerstones for a relationship to be successful in your mind, not the little things. Evaluate your goals and take a realistic look at the relationship.

Often times people find that their mate was more than meeting their relationship goals, but bothers them with small quirks in their personality. These minor issues will come up no matter who you are with, but they are more pronounced when you see that person everyday. If you find that this is the problem try being more tolerant. Remember that no one is perfect.

When relationship is over and you are forced to take a good hard look at yourself, do not be so critical. Even if you did make mistakes, every relationship takes two people to function. Avoiding your ex for a while and beginning to love yourself again is crucial to moving on with any kind of dignity.

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How To Get Over Your Ex

Feb 19

Posted by The Relationship Guru in Post Divorce | No Comments

If a person has an experience that is physically, mentally or emotionally traumatic, the mind deals with the situation in one of several different ways. Some people abuse alcohol, food, drugs or other substances to numb the feelings they have inside. Others mourn for a short period of time, restore their faith, balance and sanity, and somehow miraculously move on. But the rest of us left over, usually those who are very analytical and logical, have trouble processing deeply troubling situations. So, we replay the painful situation over and over again in our minds, searching for an answer. But the problem is, the answer cannot be found in the rational mind, because the problem is on an emotional plain. Therefore, the solution has to come from the heart, which needs to be healed and restored. Here is the step by step process I have adapted to end obsessive thinking about an Ex:

Step 1:

Don’t take anything your Ex ever said or did personally, because nothing your Ex ever said or did was about you. Even if your Ex downright blames you for everything that went wrong in your relationship, realize their statement is only coming from who they are, which has absolutely nothing to do with the person you are.

Step 2:

However, not taking your Ex personally is a two sided coin. If during the heat of an argument you react and tell your Ex what an idiot THEY are, and how everything is THEIR fault, then it has nothing to do with them. Your statements only reflect the kind of person you are, which is a person who likes to blame and judge. This has nothing to do with your Ex. Therefore, consciously make an effort to be the person you are, regardless of how your Ex is behaving. Make a list of all the qualities you admire in others, for example: kindness, confidence, compassion, and respect. Chances are you already possess the qualities within yourself. Be very careful not to make statements that don’t reflect who you are, even when you may be tempted to give into the hurt and anger you feel.

Step 3

Release your judgments and opinions by becoming friends with Death. As morbid as this sounds, realize that in 100 years, you and your Ex will likely be dead, and nothing you ever fought about will be remembered. If your Ex has the obsessive need to be right and argue with you about everything, give in to their whim and say, “You are absolutely right.” Not only will this reinforce your relationship with Death and save you a tremendous amount of personal power, your Ex will find it impossible to argue with you because you are giving the non-verbal message that it really doesn’t matter. As one my favorite authors Wayne Dyer once said, “Have you ever noticed how hard it is to argue with someone who isn’t obsessed with being right?”

Step 4:

If the hurt and anger is overwhelming, distance yourself from your Ex completely. And no matter what, get on your knees and pray for your Ex every morning. Pray that your Ex will be granted all of the health, wealth and happiness you wish for yourself. Even if you are not a religious person, or you don’t believe in God, the act itself is liberating.

In twelve step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, they are taught to pray for people they have a deep resentment towards. At first, you will not mean a word of the prayer. But if you say the prayer consistently for two weeks, you will come to genuinely mean it, and find that there is a part of you that realizes your Ex is just a human being, with their own imperfections, weaknesses and short comings. If you go deeper, you will realize your Ex may also be a very hurt and scared person – even if they outwardly seem very hostile, aggressive and manipulative. Of course, no matter what happened to your Ex in their childhood or even in their day to day life – it does not give them a reason to mistreat you. But by being aware of the fact that your Ex has a certain set of issues to deal with on their own time, it will help you replace the hurt and anger you feel with compassion and understanding.

Step 5:

Own your personal power. Because when you are who you are, regardless of the situation or circumstance that comes your way, then this transforms you into a very powerful person. This is the step that absolutely baffles your Ex, because by you being who you are, and not letting them get you down – it sends your Ex the non-verbal message that you are who you are and they are who they are. But most importantly, it tells your Ex that you are not going to take any of their crap! When you respond to your Ex’s hostility with kindness, and your Ex’s blame with compassion, it frustrates them to no end, because your Ex cannot get you to play their game.

Step 6:

Come to understand that you are doing all of this work for no other reason than to realize who you are, restore your sense of balance, and reclaim your personal power. If you do all of this work in order to manipulate your Ex, and make them want you back, your Ex will subconsciously sense your intentions, because at one point or another, you will slip and let your intentions be known without realizing it. When this happens, you will give all of your power back to your Ex, and will have to start all over again with Step 1.

Step 6 is often tricky, because if you master each step up to this point, your Ex may very well want to reconcile. At the very least, your Ex will begin responding to the kindness you send their way in a positive fashion. But regardless if you want to get back together with your Ex, just be friends, or just get over the obsessive thinking – remember your sole purpose is to realize who you are, restore your sense of balance, and reclaim your personal power. If you do all of this work just to manipulate your Ex into responding the way you want them to, it may work for a very short period of time. But I guarantee your Ex will pick up on the fact that your intentions are not genuine, and you will lose your personal power. Not only that, but when you genuinely become who you are, you attract the right kind of people to your life. And maybe your Ex is not the person you are meant to be with! And the only way you will know if you are meant to be with your Ex or anyone else is if you are genuinely who you are.

Step 7:

Forgive your Ex, no matter what they did or didn’t do. Unfortunately, it may not be enough at this point to say, “I forgive my ex.” And leave it at that. Forgiveness has little to do with words, and more to do with action. Before proceeding with this step, I recommend reading up on the topic of forgiveness, and reading heroic stories about the power of forgiveness. I once read a story about a woman whose daughter was brutally raped and murdered by a man that was eventually caught and sent to prison. As anyone can imagine, the woman spent years of her life in rage and obsession over what this man had done to her daughter. I am sure there are no words to express how much pain this woman was feeling. However, she somehow stumbled on a book entitled, The Course of Miracles and began reading about what the power of forgiveness could do for her. She started to pray for the man, and eventually sent him a letter, letting him know she had forgiven him for the actions he took against her daughter, even though she didn’t condone his behavior. To make a long story short, the man wrote the woman back and apologized profusely. The woman felt compelled to see this young man in prison, and she held him as he cried during their first visit. To make a long story short, they became friends, and she became his number one advocate in attempts to release him from prison.

There are not a lot of people walking on the planet as courageous as this woman, but it is an extreme example of what is possible within each one of us. I thought about this woman before I reached out to my Ex with forgiveness in my heart. I sent a gift to my Ex and the woman my Ex left me for, which seemed to pale in comparison to this woman’s story. Of course, it took me a little over a year to reach that point, and a lot of soul searching. To this day, I love my Ex with all of my heart on a platonic level. We live in two totally different cities, but still call and send each other emails on occasion as good friends.

I am also in a healthy relationship with someone I am deeply in love with. Next week will be our two year anniversary. I do not think I would be as happy and as deeply in love with this new person as I am now, had I not let go of the anger, bitterness, and resentment I once felt towards my Ex, which is another reason why forgiveness is so important.

A lot of people believe turning off your feelings for a person you once were in a romantic relationship with, or even hating them is a way to show that they are “over” the person. But I believe the exact opposite is true. When you are completely “over” a person, you really wish them nothing but the best – and you are totally detached emotionally from how they act or react. Another point to consider is the fact that love isn’t real unless you loved your Ex for the person they are, not the person you wanted them to be. And just because the romantic relationship didn’t work out, doesn’t mean your Ex isn’t a lovable person.

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Winning Back Your Ex, The Little Known Approach Succeeds Like Magic

Feb 15

Posted by The Relationship Guru in Post Divorce | No Comments

Relationships are a strange thing. They can be going along wonderful one day, then the next, boom, it’s over. Have you discovered yourself on the receiving end of the horrible breakup talk, and not exactly sure why the break happened? I wager you would like to at least have another chance to try to figure out why you are alone again, and maybe fix things rather than ending them. Let me tell you, winning back your ex is possible. If you truly believe the two of you belong together, and are willing to adhere to one or two basic rules, you could have your ex back in your arms in no time.

First off – and this is huge – don’t ever grow into a stalking, needy, poor me monster. No one likes this type of person around; much less have a relationship with them. Hard as it is, and as unnatural as it may feel, you have to get out and do something else besides stewing about your loss. Go workout, take a class you’ve always wanted to take, learn an instrument. Do things you’ve never done ? especially with your ex – get your mind off them, for the moment at least.

Second, now’s the time to cut off all communication with your ex. No calling, texting, or worst of all, drunk dialing. Take some time alone to figure out what happened to cause your ex to bolt. Get an honest inward look to see if there is some thing you did that he or she did not like. Also, take some time to figure out if your ex is worth pursuing. Maybe you’ve been blinded by love. You could be overlooking faults that normally you would not be able to stand.

Third, related to the other two, don’t wallow in self pity for too long a time. If your ex is still interested, he or she may suddenly appear and make contact. Of course, they may not. if they don’t, pick up the pieces and get on with your life. Be the self confident person your ex fell in love with. Hard as it may be to realize, you may meet someone else and be happier than you ever were with your ex.

The bottom line of all these suggestions is really to look at yourself and figure out if you may have lost your identity during the past relationship. Your ex fell in love with you, not a mirror image of themselves or a puppet that is ready at their beck and call. Be yourself. This is ultimately the best piece of advice ? the magic secret you can be given if you want to have a good chance of winning back your ex.

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Skillful Ways On How To Get Back An Ex

Jan 6

Posted by The Relationship Guru in Post Divorce | No Comments

One tactic that each person will approve with in how to get back an ex is tolerance and to have a calculated plan of action before diving in head first.

The relationship took time to develop and it will take even more time to get reacquainted with each other. Don’t put your own life on hold keep on living it to the fullest. You can bet your ex has not stopped living theirs.

Start on a friendship basis and slowly and naturally let things move forward from there. Take the time to grow to understand one another again. This will form a connection bringing you closer to one another.

No matter what you do, don’t crowd them or harass them as it will only do more harm and the relationship may well be past repair because of these actions.

Demonstrate to your ex your new self assurance and no matter how things turn out, try to accept the outcome calmly. Prove to them you’re a better person by not letting it devastate you.

Practice improvement on yourself like getting rid of a little weight, getting a makeover and different wardrobe. Take the time to get to know you first. No one can love you if at first you cannot love yourself.

Communication must be open between the two of you. Let them see you are okay with them calling whenever they would like to talk or have a problem and simply want a shoulder to lean on. They should give you the same carte blanche.

Always take time when dressing to look absolutely fantastic, you never know when you might have a unintended encounter with their friends or your ex while out and about. It may perhaps also get back to them that you are looking really nice and they may have a slight tinge of envy that someone else may leap down and grab you.

Prove to them you are able to stand on your own without them. This will give them a sense of respect for you. Value yourself and do not permit yourself be a push over, stand up for your values and your human rights in any relationship.

Let them make the first call to you, don’t tie up their telephone lines as this will only irritate them and they will hold that against you. The most important thing is never phone them up after a night of drinking this never goes any other way than bad.

Make certain you only ask your closest most intimate friend for assistance on how to get an ex back. Asking their friends might make you come across anxious and word will float over to your ex as well.

Use the time you are not together as a time of reinvention for your life and self. Try things you have always wanted to do, get the hairdo you have been thinking about or hair tint. Let go of the negative aspects within your life and load it full with the positive. These things are a certain manner in how to get back an ex because they will see how content and stress free you seem as well as how boldly you are carrying yourself and will want to be a part of such a great transformation with you.

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