Posts Tagged Save Your Marriage

Tips to Save a Marriage – Avoiding Emotional Blackmail

Mar 12

Posted by James Fargo in Articles, Divorce, Stop Divorce | No Comments

Tips to save a marriage can be useful guide to help you engage and talk with your spouse to work out the problems threatening your marriage and leading it down the path towards divorce. Some may think that many of these tips in articles are common sense and this is true but often not adhered to. The real threat however is not knowing what top do but in knowing what NOT to do especially when you do not know you are doing it!

Emotional blackmail can be explicit or implicit meaning you can be letting it be known quite directly or you can simply imply it through less obvious methods. It can also be conscious or unconscious meaning you can know you are doing it or often you do not realize you are doing it too!

An example of an explicit conscious emotional blackmail is standing with the children and saying “if you walk out that door you are destroying their lives!” or something similar (please do not do this! Kids are not pawns in your game!)

An example of unconscious and implicit emotional blackmail can be as simple as saying “but I love you!”. If you think about it this is a raw spot when emotions are fragile and they may feel you are trying to force them to drop everything for the sake of love rather that work out a real solution even if you do not realize it and are very sincere in what you say.

Blackmail is an ugly word and causes uglier ramifications and at the simplest level you should not be overt or sneaky and go about trying to manipulate your spouse by any means because this does not solve anything, at best it can simply DELAY it because nothing has been solved and the problems will come back and the road to divorce will start again with a fragile marriage.

On a more complex level you must always be aware of what you are saying and what it might actually mean to your partner. If you want to save your marriage and stop your divorce you must be aware that simple things you say or do might not have the intended effect so if something you are about to say seems even slightly manipulative then stop. Think. Then rephrase it.

For more tips to save a marriage from complete guides written by relationship and marriage experts, click below to get the information you need to repair your failing marriage and avoid a divorce.

http://www.loveiscomplicated.info/divorce

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Tips to Save a Marriage – Emotional Understanding

Mar 9

Posted by James Fargo in Articles, Divorce, Stop Divorce | No Comments

Emotional understanding may seem obvious when dealing with matters of the heart such as marital problems and possible impending divorce but just how much do you truly know about your spouse, what they feel and even what YOU really feel? These tips to save a marriage will go over some key points you need to address and understand before any real headway can be made to stop a divorce and return to a blissful marriage.

Did you know humans have three brains? It is true!

  • We have an old brain or ‘lizard brain’ as it is often referred to which deals with the most basic of instincts such as safety, survival, and propagation of the species along with all the automatic functions.
  • We have the mid brain which is the emotional center of our being that deal with all impulses to do with emotions, feelings and human interactions.
  • Lastly we have the new brain which is in control of our logic, understanding, artistic expression, language processing. Your new brain is reading this right now!

Why is this important though? Because we are not as in control of our thinking and actions as we think we are! Our mid brain where we process the emotions of a situation is a lot stronger and has more influence over the logical part of our brain even when we think we are behaving completely rationally.

The mid brain is also a lot more active when we are speaking with other people as our emotions are a major part of how we interact as people and a society and in a marriage which is why you can sometimes be thinking clearly then when we come face to face and an arguments starts the old brain activates the fight or flight reaction, the mid brain which has received a flood of hormones spikes what it is feeling such as fear or anger or guilt and the new brain trying to be logical is overcome by emotions, brain chemistry and a whole host of other things.

That is when we say those things we do not really mean.

The human mind is an amazing thing though and we can control it and understand it so a few tips to save a marriage in regards to emotional understanding are:

  • If you feel overwhelmed by emotion wait it out, do not try to form an argument it is better to leave or wait for the hormones to subside so you can think without as much mid and old brain interaction.
  • Understand that when your spouse blows up or breaks down something has triggered those things that is quite powerful. Let them get it out of their system then try to engage them.
  • Understand that the new brain does not control the emotional reaction so what you have said may not be directly related to the emotional outbursts … it may be something deeper the mid brain has picked up. Think in terms of basic emotions though anger and hurt is often the most prevalent (with guilt following closely)

so by understanding how your brain works in regards to emotion you can approach communication and actions with tips to save a marriage knowing how not to sabotage your efforts on the human emotional rollercoaster that happens when a couple faces divorce.

Click below for complete guides on how you can save your marriage even if you are the only one who thinks it possible.

http://www.loveiscomplicated.info/divorce

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Tips to Save a Marriage – Avoiding the Blame Game

Mar 6

Posted by James Fargo in Articles, Divorce, Stop Divorce | 3 Comments

The blame game is something we have all probably played at one stage of another with our loved ones. The tendency to combat accusations of blame by finding something you can throw back at them to even the score. These tips to save a marriage article will focus on blame and retaliation, what is behind it and how you can avoid it to save your marriage and stop a divorce.

Blame has two angles: To bring up problems in a relationship and to hurt the other person.

Now one of these things has a legitimate place in communication when a marriage is in trouble and heading for divorce and the other one just speeds it along and accomplishes nothing and breaks down the communication channel into arguments, shouting matches and the never ending blame game that mires you in revenge and anger that is hard to crawl out of. I think you see which one I am referring to …

As has been mentioned why people do this is because there ARE problems in a relationship that need to be addressed, you cannot close your eyes and mind to he fact that you may have made mistakes when someone calls you out on it but you can direct where you go from there wisely. This is made difficult of course when the tone and intent of this accusation is barbed and poisonous and meant to hurt but you must make a decision at this point. Do you want to save your marriage? Or do you want to spiral down the road to divorce?

If you want to work through the problems and not be divorced then there is a simple formula you can follow when the blame game gets started that will calm the situation down, allow grievances to be brought up and allow you in the end not to feel like you have ‘lost’ your honor or self respect.

1. Accept the blame
Now this may make you angry, this may make your blood boil when you are accused of something perhaps that was not your fault or that was very minor and is being blown into huge proportions. The problem is refuting that claim simply brings the anger level up and the ability to discuss things rationally so the first thing you HAVE to do is diffuse the situation. Simply accept the criticism even if you do not believe it, nod and listen and endure because if you love this person and want to salvage a marriage you need to hear them out in full so swallow your pride and know this is not the end but endure it for the sake of your marriage.

2. Listen to the problem behind the complaint
Blame and accusations do not come from nowhere and even if they are overplayed or even just plain wrong your job should not be to throw that back at them but listen to the real message behind it. You must try to empathize with your spouse and try to see things from their point of view even if you do not agree. This is because a complaint about spending too much money might not be actually about the money spent but might be about making decisions together maybe. Or an argument about perceived flirting with other people might more be about their insecurity and their feelings that they are fading in your interests even if they do trust you. It can be complex and people often do not say what they really mean when they are aiming to hurt so your listening skills and empathy skills must be turned up to the max.

3. DO not retaliate!
By this stage you may have a better understanding of the issues and if you can keep control of your own tongue you may almost get to a breakthrough. Do not use any insight and knowledge to launch another attack back at them because that destroys everything you have just learned. Hold you tongue, even agree with them if there is ‘some’ truth to the accusation but do not act defeated or cowed because you need to now be the strong one and propose a solution not cave in or retaliate.

4. Question!
This may seem like the last thing you want to do but delving further into their complaint can reveal more hidden anxieties, fears and problems that they may not know they even have. Talk to them and ask ‘why’ about certain things calmly and rationally and keep the peace because you may have just opened up a great line of communication if you can be the bigger person and do not enter the blame game.

5. Use this communication line to broach other topics
If you have managed to get somewhere by now the retaliations that were on your lips but never said can come out in a constructive way by raising them as a problem without any barbed attacks attached because by this stage if you have gone through their problems in detail a feeling of reciprocation will often exist that will allow you to put forward your own point of view.

By following these tips to save a marriage you can avoid the blame game and approach the task of mending a relationship with a better understanding of each others point of view and a way to communication properly. For more help on how you can stop an impending divorce even if you are the only one that seems to want it click below for complete guides to save your marriage.

http://www.loveiscomplicated.info/divorce/stop-your-divorce-e-book-reviews/

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Stop Your Divorce, Save Your Marriage & Never Look Back!

Nov 14

Posted by James Fargo in Articles, Divorce, Stop Divorce | No Comments

Marriage can be seen in two ways; a bond that legally binds you to a person for better or worse OR a statement of love with a promise to keep it and nurture it till death does you part. While both are true to a degree which one of them sounds more fulfilling to you? To me the second sounds like the relationship I want to be in and the first just sounds like a bleak or business like agreement. I believe the key to stop your divorce, save your marriage and live happily ever after is to make a true choice to love rather than commitment.

Love is a hard thing to classify and many people even doubt it existence or claim it to just be an amalgamation of lust, hormones, chemicals and eventually security and comfort. The philosophical question may always rage but it is a moot point because however it is defined it can be seen to shape our lives and society beyond our understanding at times. It is from love that commitment flows not the other way around so think with love not vows and preconceptions.

With this in mind to stop your divorce, save your marriage and do it with love there are a few simple steps you can take to promote the transition from angry arguments to meaningful communication that can lead to actual long lasting resolutions.

Lose The Ego
Ego is a major problem when people who are in an argument whether you are married or just having an argument with a stranger your ego is the thing that makes you defend yourself as strongly as possible and refuses to admit it is wrong or if you are right refuses to take any slight against it. When you try to communicate but your ego steps in and redirects conversation to make you feel powerful, correct and secure you inflame what is already a tense and volatile situation. If you leave your ego at the door and just take a barbed comment or two without feeling the need to retaliate you can defuse the situation somewhat which allows communication to flow properly. If you leave your ego out then often so does your partner once they see that no one is keeping count of points scored.

Leave The Word Love Out
This may sound counter intuitive because I just said do this with love! Unfortunately the word love is a loaded thing with unpredictable results and the often used “Bu I Love You!” line may not be taken in the right context and may seem to your partner to be an excuse or an attempt to make them feel guilty which again inflames the situation making it hard to stop your divorce, save your marriage and be able to say those words, mean it and have it returned in kind. Actions speak louder than words and your actions in how you approach your communication can be your showing of love.

If you are prepared to be the one who saves your marriage even if you think your partner does not want it click below to find step by step information guides compiled by experts that can help you stop your divorce save your marriage and never look back!

http://www.loveiscomplicated.info/divorce/

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