While it may once have been taboo to speak about more and more men and women are looking for sexless marriage help when their marriage becomes cold and lifeless in the bedroom. In fact is has become quite a topic of hot debate with books such as ‘The Sex Diaries – Why Women go off Sex & Other Bedroom Battles’ hitting bookstore shelves which has drawn heavy criticism for being so one sided in bias of men and derogatory of women but has also managed to elicit many comments on how true it is from men and women alike.
Clearly this is a controversial and loaded issue that should not be treated lightly especially when words such as marital rape, depression, and of course divorce rear their ugly head but such charged emotions show a clear disconnect in how we see this phenomenon of sexless marriage and how you can solve it.
To take an impartial view on the causes and solutions to a sexless marriage I should clearly state that I am male but have talked to many women about such an issue as well as many guys online and in person to draw the conclusions I have. I hope to be unbiased in this issue to encourage similar responses rather than rabid tribalism from various groups who seem to comment on this issue.
Causes of a Sexless Marriage
This is probably much harder to talk about than the solutions to a sexless marriage! The reasons can be so varied and so detailed and so specific to a particular marriage as to make generalizing the issue alienating to many and insulting to others but I will try to cover as many bases as possible.
The reasons that one partner in a marriage may become disinterested in sexual activities can be physical but much more commonly is emotional or psychological if you will. Even then some physical problems such as male impotence that seem physical may have psychological problems at their root too confusing the issue more. If the reason is physical and you do not know exactly what it is then it may manifest itself as rejection of sex rather than talking about the problem. More on communication about this issue later though however the other physical problem many refer to is simply that one partner has a LOW sex drive while the other has a much HIGHER sex drive which I personally believe is only half true seeing many couples who have worked through this have suddenly found their sex drive again or have found a midway point which lead to my next point.
The emotional issues more often than not are the real bugbears in a sexless marriage though when issues within a marriage or external influences or even emotional problems within your partners mind resurface. This is where the huge variety comes in so excuse me if I list a few in point form that seem to be common:
- Resentment over household duties
- Resentment over past arguments
- Resentment over past actions
- Resentment for any deeply buried issue that has not been solved!
- Depression
- Severe body image issues with themselves
- Body image issues with their partner
- Sheer exhaustion mentally and physically (Children and work as main culprits for both men and women)
- Sexual abuse (recent or past)
- Boredom!
I could go on but as you can see some are of extreme concern whereas others can seem almost trivial or petty. In many of these cases however there is still a lot of love and compassion within the marriage until things drift too far for sexless marriage help to be able to solve anything.
Sexless Marriage Help & Solutions
With such a wide variety of problems in a sexless marriage many husbands and wives may despair as to what they can do. There are two schools of thought on this which may be applicable to different couples’ sexless marriage situations. One school of thought is that communication is paramount and that talking through the issues carefully to then finding mutual solutions to the problems is the answer. The other, is that communication problems may be one of the issues at work here and personal action to increase attraction by your own efforts is the way to excite your spouse more.
Both have their good and bad points and a lot depends on what the root causes of this lack of intimacy in your marriage are.
Communication in a Sexless Marriage
I am a great believer in good communication within a marriage but I must also admit that in many cases I have heard of the partner who wishes to initiate sex but has been rejected many times by their spouse often try to do this but are rebuffed angrily and are at a loss of what to do next. Others though think that this hardly deserves to be an issue as a marriage should be about regular sex and take rejection as an insult. To those men or women I have to say you NEED to start communicating not just groping and hoping then acting hurt. If you wish to broach this subject with your spouse then you need to do one thing first and this is the most important thing you will ever know in this regard.
Make your conversation about them and their wishing, feelings and problems! Never make it all about YOUR wishes and feelings though they are valid.
This is because a person who feels harassed for sex only thinks you are trying to TAKE from them for self satisfaction and when you whine or complain or make it about you the same needy vibe is cast. This can be unfair because the hurt and shame of being rejected by your spouse can leave a serious mark on your self esteem but if you want a solution putting this aside is vital.
Once you do this you can start making headway in finding out why they are so withdrawn and cold physically if you promote an atmosphere where you are not casting blame and are willing to truly listen because good communication is 90% listening not talking! Some problems can only be navigated once you know the full extent of them especially when it stems from something external or that is not directly related to your relationship.
Action in a Sexless Marriage
While you may not be GETTING much action you can take action on this issue as well. The majority of sexless marriage end up that way because of a certain loss of attraction if not always a loss of love. We are never the same people as we once were when the relationship was new and the sex was wild and exciting, we change and we grow and evolve as people and it must be said we also change physically with age and sometimes simply with comfort levels in a stable marriage. People who drift apart emotionally also drift apart physically and couples who forget what it is to BE sexy for their partners also lose the excitement that once spurred on lovemaking.
Being sexy is something that generates sexual reciprocation and what is sexy differs between men and women and also is based on personal taste. Some men feel that a bit of extra grooming and a single romantic night out may help and be right while others find this does nothing because years of neglect of these things has left it’s mark. Others try this and completely miss the point because their wife really wants support and respect more than anything and the same is true with the genders reversed.
What this means is that the wrong actions can have no effect or even worse have more negative consequences while the right actions can slowly bring passion and lust back into your sexless marriage. The best advice I can give is that if you want to change things in your relationship without psychoanalyzing every detail with your partner is to start small but on all fronts where you think they may be disgruntled. From your own appearance to the way your treat them on a daily basis and for the love of god do not BOAST about all the good things you are doing or you run the risk of sounding like that needy person who wishes to take and manipulate to get sex which becomes an instant turn off. IF you do hit upon something that elicits some form of extra intimacy no matter how small you should be looking at what that is and continue doing things like that or similar!
Each marriage is different but sexless marriage help like this can be applied to many situations and it can usually not hurt to try them at least. If you are confused as to where to go next or feel all of this has been done and failed then there are more resources on the internet that go into this is a lot more depth written by professional counselors that may help you further. Click below to find out more.
Also the style of writing can be a tad silly which he does even admit on his website. He overuses the ‘car journey’ metaphor a bit too much which can be tiresome but it is forgivable in the context of his philosophy and his attempt to make the difficult easier to talk about.