We have all heard the terrible statistics about marriage and divorce by now that half of all marriages end up badly with spouses splitting leaving behind them broken homes, broken hearts and broken dreams. How to stop your divorce is therefore a popular topic and one that may be much needed in this climate of unstable relationships. However the enormous amount of advice that can be found from professionals and from magazines and even sites like this can seem shallow, contradictory or confusing often because everyone situation is slightly different and sometimes this advice does not seem to be relevant to your marriage and how you can fix it.
Relevance is a tricky thing though because some advice that might be quite general but is still good if you can find that relevance to your problems and how to apply it properly. I hope to provide more articles to do with more specific situations in the future and have written some already though this article will deal more with general ideas that can hopefully be applied universally to help you save your marriage from becoming another statistic that we become numb to over time.
The first advice on how to stop your divorce may seem insulting but it is something that in all conscience I cannot ignore. The first step you must take is to evaluate your marriage to see if it is WORTH saving, everyone of course looking to stop their divorce believes so but some only do so out of fear of loss, fear of change and fear of being alone when their relationship is actually in such a state that it is better to let go. Now this is firmly believe is not the case in 99% of marital problems but for that small percentage that may be in abusive marriages or are married for entirely the wrong reasons this is an important thing to look at.
How do you evaluate such things though? A quick checklist of things to consider:
- Is your relationship abusive?
- Are you being honest with yourself over the reasons you want to stay together
- Will this make you both happy in the long run?
- Are you doing this out of fear rather than love?
By no means is this an exclusive list but a few things to think about before you decide to take action and salvage your marriage and put it back on the right track which can be done! If you know in your heart this marriage is worth saving then there are some general tips you can use to bring it back from the brink no matter how far down the road to divorce it is.
Take the lead & Reach out
This does not mean you should be assertive and bossy, in fact it is almost the opposite but still puts you in the position of taking the lead role in finding a way to save your marriage. By taking the lead you must be the one who steers the relationship through twists and turns of arguments and issues that will arise as you try to pinpoint and fix the problems that are causing your marriage to break apart.
To do this you need to be willing to always be the bigger person and do not succumb to the temptations to give in to your emotions of hurt and anger which, while difficult, is essential to maintaining a positive direction in your attempts to stop your divorce. Some further tips to accomplish this are:
Do not be afraid to lose!
So many people are so convinced that they are in the right when in a heated argument that their ego gets in the way of good sense. How to stop your divorce depends greatly on your ability to let go of this ego and be willing to stop keeping score. The tit for tat back and forth that becomes a macabre game in a failing relationship is an accelerator for its downfall as being right becomes more important than fixing your marriage.
What many people who have successfully stopped their divorce have realized is that if you let go of the need to win you can diffuse arguments and stop the wall of resentment and anger from stifling all other discussion. Even if you are right about something beyond all doubt and your spouse is contesting this just let it slide, say you respect their opinion on the matter and have decided not to pursue it further but do not contest it back or the walls come up and this point is in limbo.
Remember that being able to talk freely from the heart will help you save your marriage and the only way to do this is be leading the way and making it your responsibility to suffer the occasional barb without retaliation for the betterment of your marriage.
Actions speak louder than words
It is an old adage but true, words can just be wind if not followed up by proof. This does not discount the important of communication of course, it just means that no matter how good you are at communication if you do not validate what you say no trust is regained or built.
Marriages in need of fixing have problems that need to be overcome to not only solve a problem that is tearing the relationship apart but if you take action on something it has a few effects beyond the immediate:
- Goodwill – As simple a thing as generating a small amount of goodwill even in a marriage in crisis is important because every journey of the soul needs a starting point and a small bright light of goodwill can start it.
- Trust – As has been mentioned this improves trust where trust may have been missing. IT may not change your spouse’s entire attitude but it starts rebuilding that bridge as long as it is followed up.
- Reciprocal action – Humans are programmed to feel a debt to someone who does something for them. If you give something to someone with every intention for it to just be a gift with no strings attached most people will feel the need to give something back. Smart businesses know this and it works in every part of human interaction. The end result, if you take the time and effort to take action on something and change your behavior or do something that needs to be done then even if your spouse feels that this is warranted it starts a feeling of a need to reciprocate. This may not be of even “value” but the desire to give back has started.
This can start a positive cycle of giving for the betterment of your marriage rather than taking or stagnating. Be warned though this may not be easy and may not have immediate effect but it will improve matters.
Self respect
One last point on these general tips is that through all of this you must maintain your integrity. Many people who read the points about “giving in” in an argument and “taking action” on the whim of your spouse have told me (sometimes quite rudely) that this makes them a doormat and they refuse to do it as they feel they will just be taken advantage of and will garner no respect from their spouse which will not solve their marital difficulties.
This is correct in many cases and an excellent point that needs to be addressed. How to stop your divorce is about creating a two way street of communication, goodwill and action on the problems that plague the marriage which requires both partners to be involved. This means that while you try to build this bridge though you may be the only one helping which is hard to cope with and may feel like you are begging which is not healthy nor is it helping.
This is where you need to always maintain your own self respect. If you save your marriage but lose yourself have you really saved a relationship or just an institution? By keeping your self respect there are three important things that tie in with the points above that need to be considered.
- Do not beg - Begging for forgiveness, another chance and so forth does not generate goodwill or respect and lowers your own opinion of yourself. Couples are attracted to the strengths of their spouses and begging does not show strength. You can communicate your willingness to fix your marriage without going down this path and giving in to fear and anxiety. Be calm and say the same things but without a tone of desperation.
- Do not lie - While I pro[pose that you are willing to not keep score on things there is no need to lie to diffuse an argument because this will only rear its ugly head later. You do not need to lose, nor win …. just do not play that game!
- Do not crow – By this I mean do not expect that your efforts will be rewarded and do not boast about how great a husband or wife you have been recently. Let them know about your efforts to fix your marriage but do not shout it from the rooftops and demand compensation.
There is so much more on how to stop your divorce by fixing a failing marriage that could be discussed but the attitude in which you approach this is paramount to your success. Much of this information has been gleaned from some excellent online resources for marriages in turmoil that you can download immediately and have some amazing methods of generating immediate positive results.
If you want to know more about these guides written by professional marriage counselors and experts in the field click below.
